When a client brings their child to the therapy center I begin therapy with the marital relationship. A healthy marital relationship is crucial factor to a happy childhood. I like the bumper sticker. "The best thing a father can do for his child is love their mother". You will only be as good a parent as you are a wife or husband. Parental conflict will create anxiety in a child that will actually affect the Childs learning. Even with separated and divorced couples, the principles are the same. It is still necessary to maintain a good relationship with the child's biological mother or father. Because of the child's narcissistic view of the world, the child perceives conflict as something that is wrong with them. The child then internalizes conflict and shames themselves. When parents divorce there is often anger and resentment. Parents should not do or say anything that puts down the other parent. Even shrugging your shoulders or rolling your eyes is perceived by the child as "There is something wrong with me". I have learned that children are never ready to hear anything negative about the other parent. Even is a child knows something is true and complains about it to one of the parents, do not agree. If a child says, "Dad is so cheap", divert their attention to something positive about the parent.

The biggest problem I've seen these past twenty years working with families is that the marital relationship has become secondary to the children, not the center of the family structure. This has been a culture of children with no delay of gratification, instant pleasure, self centeredness and disrespect. Parents who come to counseling with their unruly children are surprised and confused when I want to understand their relationship with each other first. A child needs to know mom and dad care about each other or it affects how the children feel about themselves. When I ask the parents if they date much, they look at me like I'm from another planet. Parents need together time. I even suggest taking dancing lessons. It is a totally biblical concept. It teaches the husband to lead (Ephesians 5:23) and the wife is to follow (Ephesians 5:22). I have always recommended when the day is done that the couple sit together on the couch and set the timer for fifteen minutes. The child will then get their need met in knowing mommy and daddy love each other, by observing the love relationship. Daddy makes it clear that there are no interruptions because mommy comes first and this is their special time together. The child observes that family relationships have meaning and purpose and offers the child a sense of belonging to something bigger than themselves. This will help the child understand that the marriage relationship is important.

Susan McSwain, Ph.D., at our center has devised the following date night strategy. It is specific because many parents have forgotten how to date.

Date Night

Principle of the exercise:

1. Poor communication is one of the major problem areas in marriage. Many times it is the result of both spouses being so involved with their work and/or child care that they do not have time to relate to each other as husband and wife. Date Night allows a "set apart" time for couples to relate to each other as husband and wife, rather than "mom" and "dad".
   
   
2. When couples "fall out of love", they have forgotten how to relate to one another in a loving way. Spending time alone together while doing something enjoyable allows the couple an opportunity to relearn (or learn for the first time) loving ways to relate to each other.
   
   
3. Changes in behavior are more effective if they are done slowly and simply. Because each of you is reluctant and maybe even nervous about relating to the other, "baby steps" are easier and more effective. Once you are able to take small steps back toward each other, the larger issues can be resolved. Date Night is an excellent first "baby step".

Description of the exercise:

1. Together, pick a time and date during the next week when you can be alone for about two hours for a Date Night. Do not take any children. You may not go to a movie because you must be able to talk to one another.
   
   
2. During these two hours, you may talk about anything except the problems of your marriage, your parents, your children or any controversial topic that you have previously argued about.

Save the problems in the marriage for your counseling sessions. Use this time to find out more about each other or to talk about ideas and subjects you have never talked about.

You might want to come up with a few possible topics ahead of time just in case you get stuck.

For example:

• "What person or persons had the most influence on you when you were in high school and why?"
• "What would you do if you inherited 7 million dollars?"
• "What is your idea of a perfect day? A perfect evening?"
• "If money were no object, where would you like to travel or live and why?"
• "If you could do anything, what profession would you choose and why?"
• "If you could ask God three questions, what would you ask Him?"
• "If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?"

3. Try to have one Date Night a week for several months. Many couples continue to do this as a pleasant habit. As you feel more comfortable with each other, you may extend the amount of time and broaden the possible subjects to include your life together. But don't rush into it. Give yourself time to just be together as adults without worrying about your problems.
   
   
4. Use the newspaper's weekend section to plan creative Date Nights. Remember that Date Nights don't always have to be at night! Going to a flea market, lying on the sun at the beach, canoeing on the river-all of these can be relaxing, pleasant experiences. Try to remember what you used to enjoy doing together. You can re-create these fun times.

Follow up:

1. As you make Date Night a priority, you will make healing your relationship a priority.
2. Pray for ideas for Date Night and patience, gentleness, and self control. Ask the Holy Spirit to work to work through you to enable you to love you spouse.
3. Don't worry about feeling nervous. Tell God you're nervous and ask Him to give you His peace and enable you to get through the Date Night. Remember: the first one is the hardest. After that it gets easier and easier.
4. If you have difficult time planning Date Night, ask you counselor to help you do it.