Being able to understand the spirit-filled life, the mother/father relationship and development helps give the parent a frame of reference. "Now what?", you ask. Initiate a plan of action. Be sure all parties agree before embarking on a certain strategy. The child will be quick to identify the weak link or inconsistency with the plan. Folly is bound up in the heart of a child (Proverbs 22:15). Without boundaries and consequences children will be unruly. I called Lindsey, my daughter, my little cupcake. She looks done on the outside but she is still gooey on the inside. I wish life's problems had hit me when I was a teenager and knew everything.

Since the teens are a precariously difficult time and cause parents the most stress, I asked Dr.Susan McSwain at Family Care Counseling Center for her expertise. These are her comments; Christian parents of teenagers have an almost overwhelming task: to counteract the influences of the adolescent culture and to build loving relationships with their children. One of the toughest balancing acts is the balance between affirming a teenager and giving him or her the guidelines and boundaries they need.

Faced with this challenge some parents chose to bow out. When their child enters middle school and seems to be capable of feeding, dressing, bathing, socializing and (hopefully) studying, Mom and Dad feel as though their your teenager can stand on his or her own two feet and does not need as much supervision or concern. In fact, adolescence is a time when kids need as much parental involvement as possible but in a totally different manner form their earlier years.

Parents need to learn about the developmental stages of early, middle and late adolescence in order to know typical behaviors and attitudes and use effective responses. Most adults have forgotten what being a teenager is like. They need to be reminded of the emotional, physical and mental struggles that kids go through.

In early adolescence - ages eleven to fourteen for girls and ages twelve -fifteen for boys -teenagers begin to pull away from their parents in ways that can be alarming for folks who have previously had a close relationship with their child. The last thing a young teen wants is to be seen in public with Mom and Dad. It is reassuring to a parent to know that this attitude comes not from a sudden rejection of their family, but from a need to be seen as more grown up and more independent than an elementary child is.

Similarly, a middle school child may suddenly start retreating into his or her bedroom and keeping the door closed. Typically, this too is seen or felt as rejection by Mom and Dad. What a relief it is, then to learn that this is characteristic of the young adolescent's need for independence and privacy. Parents also need to hear that teenagers do not come home from school bubbling over with information about their day as they did when in elementary school "Fine ". "Okay". "Not bad". "Terrible". Short answers with no details are typical and can be translated by a doting parent as, "I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone".

Further undermining the once close relationship between parent and child is the adolescent tendency to look for and find the personal weaknesses of their mothers and fathers. This usually happens just as Mom and Dad enter middle age and are painfully aware of their physical flaws and personal failures. However, their teen is only doing the necessary work of "individuation" by de-idealizing the parent and seeing them as human beings.

These simple descriptions of behavior and attitudes of young teenagers bring reassurance and encouragement to many parents. Other people's daughters sob one minute and laugh the next! Other people's sons obsess about the changes in their bodies and agonize if they are not developing fast enough! Every teenager seems to care less about what his or her parents think but believers that "THEY" (his or her entire peer culture!) are watching and evaluating everything he or she wears, says and does!

Parents are amazed to hear that their kid is not the only one who believes that natural laws and social conventions do not apply to him or her. All adolescences go through a period in their lives - hopefully a short one- when they believe they are immortal and invincible and not bound by rules of conduct - engage in high risk behaviors without giving though to possible consequences. It also explains why many teenagers do not think about how their actions or words affect other people. Teens really are selfish. They are better understood if the parent is reminded of the toddler years when "No!" "Mine!" and "Me do it!" were the norm. Just as toddlers have to be reminded to share, clean up and say "please" and "thank you, teenagers have to be "encouraged" to think about other people and to do their part in taking car of the family house, yard and vehicles.

Another helpful concept for parents is the admonition to build and maintain loving relationships with their teenagers. This, too, requires different techniques and understanding than those used with elementary age children. Moms and dads need to hear that these teen years are their last chance to work on a relationship with their (now) teenage children which will enable them later to have close ties with their adult children.

Using the idea of an "emotional bank account", counselors urge parents to make "deposits" and to be aware of "withdrawals". Deposits are any actions or words that build up, nurture or encourage the teen, such as spending time alone with them or giving them focused attention. Focused attention includes making eye contact, listening carefully and reflecting back what is said, not interrupting, and not labeling or judging. Basically, this means being, "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).

In addition, parents are encouraged to practice "random acts of kindness" - doing good deeds for their children which communicate, "I love you; you're really special to me". That may mean picking up their favorite cereal at the grocery store, making their bed (once in a while!), or taking them fishing. It does not mean being codependent and cleaning up after the child all the time or habitually doing things for the child which they should be doing for themselves (like remembering to take their lunch to school).

Sharing hobbies or interests is another way to make a deposit in a teenager's emotional bank account. One on one with your child, Mom or Dad can go jogging, bicycling, golfing, sew, paint, make crafts, do carpentry, work on cars or stereo systems, and so on. The key is to do these activities on one, not with their friends or siblings along. Any teenager is going to focus on their friends, not their parent, if the friends tag along. Yes, there are times to invite the buddies, but it is more important to build the relationship between the parents and teen.